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University of Nottingham English Society Football
From StudentWiki
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The English Society Football Club are reckoned to be the most improved team in Nottingham, having remarkably progressed from second bottom of Division 3 to approximately 2nd in the top Division. Imagine that in graph form. Wowza. There are, however, fears for the future, with many pundits voicing concerns that, with the spine of the team retiring and much of the remaining team considered to be past their peak, the team will forever be remembered as 'the lost generation'. Meanwhile, minimal talent appears to be emerging from the youth set up.
The enigmatic exception to that, of course, is Player of the Year Paul Finnerty, who one ESFC source called 'a hero, with the potential to be remembered as an all time great if he keeps developing at his current rate'. Some people, however, doubt his commitment to the cause, with rumours spreading that the young maestro continues to improve his Spanish skills, only furthering speculation linking him with a move abroad.
Felix Cofie provides a further source of hope. Having started his career slowly, Cofie eventually began to live up to his self-acclaimed status, as 'an exceptional player, playing a few levels beneath my natural ability', through a range of bizarre goals, many of which were reasonably labelled both 'farcical' and 'very, very lucky'. Nevertheless, it must be noted that his consistent scoring did lead him to a well-earned leading goalscorer title.
Will Smith has made 942 appearances for the club, occasionally producing impressive goalkeeping performances when lesser men failed to turn up. This epitomises his willingness to 'do a job' for the team he has supported since the age of 3. Further to this, he once missed from very close range.
In other news, Robert Cope has a startling propensity to score wonderful goals, an attribute undermined only minimally by his ongoing goal drought (1020 minutes).
2007/08 Pre-season
With a strong footballing presence in the English Society boardroom in the shape of Adam Eljadi (Sports Sec) and Robert Cope (Publicity Officer/Slanderer/Captain) changes can be expected to the entire structure of English Society football. Already, Eljadi has expressed his determination to implement a second training session each week, based in Radford Recreation Ground. One player declared that he doubts Eljadi has the authority and respect to enforce this change. I for one hope that he does. Cope, meanwhile, is advocating post-training, pre-match tactical meetings between senior players on Fridays at the Ark/Mooch(really?). While some have highlighted that this time period clashes conveniently with a potentially cheap drinking time at said venue (not The Venue), no intentionality on Cope's part has yet been proven.
On August 22nd 2007, Adam Harwood controversially reversed his decision to retire, and made it clear he wished to be considered for selection in the upcoming ESFC season. Some pundits immediately expressed doubts over his ability to keep up with the inevitably hectic schedule and lengthy journeys across the Trent.
On the same day, a former player requested the club reject their place in the Sunday league, which they finished approximately second in during the 06/07 campaign, and instead play in the Saturday league, to allow the 'old guard' to rejoin. The old guard who led the club to finish one place above bottom of the 3rd Division (Sunday league) in the 05/06 season, and then set off to form their own team...The audacious request was politely declined.
Cavendish 2nd years 4-2 English
The Scholars lost out to the Chavs against all the odds, as missed chances led to an unlikely defeat. With the toss convincingly lost, ESFC kicked off full of confidence, a confidence justified in the early exchanges, as the midfield battle was emphatically won. Following a Cavendish opener against the run of play, there was a speedy response, with Tom Barclay responding instinctively to score from distance after confusion between the Cavendish defence and goalkeeper. Unfortunately Robert Cope took this indecision as a sign that he needn't bother to aim for the corners, and instead chose to direct an array of shots either comfortably wide, or reassuringly close to the goalkeeper. Despite an impressively high energy performance in the midfield, including a standout display from debutant Matthew Gilleard, a scrappy goal saw Cavendish go into the break 2-1 up. A mixture of tiredness and incompetence saw a multitude of substitutions at half time, to little effect, as Cavendish doubled their lead early in the second half. A fourth goal followed shortly after, and despite a novel switch to 3-4-3, and a self-invoked forward role for Paul Finnerty, the English team could only muster a consolation through a second assured finish from Barclay.
Catching up with a couple of Cavendish stars in Oceana 36 hours later, it was clear that even they conceded that the result was misleading, with one unnamed defender saying, 'You needed a competent finisher, but you got a cunt'.
English 4-4 Econ Soc 2nds
In terms of goals the accounts were balanced (rofl), but with regards to chances, ESFC found themselves with a large surplus, as they somehow contrived to throw away a 4-2 lead. English had the aura of a team able to call upon their talisman, Adam Harwood, for the first time this season, and this was reflected as they set out in an offensive 4-3-3 formation. The only complaint about this tactic came from Adam Eljadi who noted 'I'm a coward and haven't got the bottle to deviate from 4-4-2'. With first half goals from Robert Cope and Tom Barclay, the son of Newcastle legend Alan Shearer, early signs were promising, with Econ Soc able to score only once, in a rare journey into the English penalty area. However, things took a turn for the worse in the second half. Cope limped off with an ankle complaint, and, perhaps as a sign of respect to their maverick forward, the team set about displaying an ability to miss chances that even their captain would have been proud of. Despite this, two more goals from the irrepressible Barclay, as well as an at best questionable offside trap, ensured a comfortable 4-2 lead. At this point, Cope, feeling slightly undermined by the woeful finishing on display, returned to the pitch with a point to prove. Following a piece of skill that drew responses such as 'That's part Bergkamp, part Shakespeare' (anonymous) and 'Ohhhhh! Ohhhhh!' (Lewis 'Don't patronise me, I'm awful at football' Marney), Cope defiantly lifted the ball comprehensively over the bar, and walked off with the smug look of a man who had defied his critics. Moments later Tunde Campbell and Paul Thomas combined to ensure an EconSoc player, who we shall label 'whining gimp', a clear run on goal, and within a few minutes the comeback was complete, with the home team quickly coming to resemble the sort of panicked shambles only previously seen behind the bar at Mooch. At the match's conclusion, Marney announced that he had fallen out of love with the game, and would be taking a break from competitive action, until he felt more mentally ready to contribute effectively.
Lenton Hall Second and Third Years 2-1 English
Windy 2-1 Farty. Bizarre match. 1 goal, Gilly might have scored it. 1 other shot. Heroic defensive performance, numerous cameo goalkeeping appearances to be commended. Strong season's debut from Alec Grieve in the heart of defence. Tom Barclay showing a worrying display of arrogance by turning up about 15 minutes after the scheduled kick off. Nothing more to report.
English 2-6 AFC Lincoln
The beginning of the end? There were certainly calls for changes in senior management as a makeshift English side slumped to their heaviest defeat of the season, just a week before their make-or-break clash with fellow strugglers Raleigh Park. A previously untested partnership of Alec Grieve, carrying an injury, and Lewis Marney, fully recovered from his personal problems, made up the central defence, and they were quickly cut open by an incisive through ball, which the Lincoln forward wasted no time in dispatching over the lacklustre goalkeeping debutant, Robert Cope, and under the bar. As ever, ESFC hit back speedily, with Felix Cofie and young David Harrison combining well to create a chance, which Cofie duly converted. Lincoln's one goal, however, swiftly became two, and two three, as a result of defensive mix ups too numerous to mention. With half time approaching, a Lincoln player took it upon himself to produce one of the most inappropriately accurate shots of all time, and the teams trooped off 4-1 down, and with the jeers of Paul Finnerty ringing in English Soc ears. The second half was an improved display, with a first goal for Joe Nicholls sandwiched in between two inexplicable Lincoln goals, one the result of a retarded Cope, the other the inevitable outcome as the Lincoln right winger was allowed the freedom of Grove Farm to slot in unchallenged from close range. With the injury list piling up, and the squad's confidence at an all time low, there can be no doubt that a huge task awaits them as they travel to clash with the season's whipping boys next week, in what is bound to be a fiercely hostile atmosphere and a meeting of two teams with a point to prove.
Raleigh Park 1-1 English
Terrible. Really, really bad. This belated report was going to end at that, but then I thought it was probably worth saying something humourous about Paul. Basically, he missed a penalty, and proceeded to miss the rebound from about 4 yards. ROFL. Really, really bad. Terrible.
English 0-5 Jew Soc
After Israel's performance, we probably owed them one. Lewis Marney predicted the league leaders, so confident that they left key 1st team players and their rabbi at home, would react 'jew-bilantly' to yesterday's football results, and so it proved, as they ran 5 past a hapless ESFC. Starting with 10 men, due to Wallace's lateness (presumably too busy thinking up an array of offensive comments), Adam Eljadi took it upon himself to add to his astonishing record as a goalkeeper. He was rewarded by a resolute English defensiveness performance. For half an hour. After this, English's number 1 showed up, and Eljadi slotted in at left back. We quickly conceded two goals. These two events are not necessarily linked. The slightly shambolic tone continued until about 10 minutes into the second half, by which time a further 2 goals had been scored by the overly determined, but relatively inoffensive, followers of the Hebrew Bible. From this point on, a renewed focus took hold of the defence, personified by Paul Finnerty's solid defensive play and Robert Cope's hearty fouling. There was time for one more blow, as a sliced cross found its way past a chirpy Grayson in goal. The luck involved in this final goal was such that ESFC may feel justified in declaring this match their moral victory. Maybe. The Third Division's in for a shock.
BizSoc 3-5 English
BizSoc ended the match making the claim that they were 'in the premiership last semester', a statement only marginally more surprising than the nature of ESFC's maiden triumph, a 3-1 deficit overturned with remarkable style. ESFC, bolstered by a number of January signings, started prtty poorly by all accounts, with Finnerty's 'we won't concede more than one goal a game' claim coming under immediate threat as a BizSoc long ball proved sufficient to penetrate the entire English team. Needless to say , the chance was converted with the type of efficiency that could be bettered only by economists. Perhaps inspired by the sheer passion of Eljadi, his housemate and manager, Felix Cofie levelled before half time, meeting Matthew Gilleard's 'audacious nutmeg and pinpoint lofted through ball' with a left-footed lob, the sort of strike likely to see him in contention for goal of the season come the end-of-season awards. Half time came and went, quickly followed by two BizSoc goals, which we won't go in to. Suffice it to say, at 3-1 down, things weren't looking good. A lot has been said recently about what the future holds for English Soc football, with concerns voiced that there are only two players eligible to play next year. However, this doesn't really matter when they are Gilly and Dave, whose young legs drove the team forward with vigour. Quickly the BizSoc lead was cancelled out, through goals by Cofie and the aforementioned Dave. Understandably, the team had adopted something of a swagger by this point, and proceeded to produce a 49-pass move in the space of 6 and a half yards in and around the penalty area, the result of which was a calm finish from Campbell, the type of finish that one would normally associate with a man a long, long way offside. Job done, there was still time for a fairytale debut goal for Adam, who chipped the keeper with a level of nonchalance that promises an exciting future for all involved in English football. Champions elect.
Awards
06/07
Player of the Year - Paul Finnerty
Most improved player - 'Adam'
Goal of the Season - Robert Cope
Top Goalscorer - Felix Cofie
Most appearances - Robert Cope
07/08
Player of the Year - ?
The Paul Finnerty Award for Young Player of the Year - ?
The 'Adam' Award for Most Improved Player - ?
The Robert Cope Award for Goal of the Season - ?
Golden Boot - ?
The Cal Lewis Award for Most appearances - ?
The Will Smith, Fresh Prince of Bilborough, Award for Miss of the Season - ? (Likely to be Paul Finnerty)
The Mike Leyland Award for Life time Achievement - ?
The Bant Award (for best one-off piece of bant) (selected from shortlist) - ?
The Bant Lad Award (for being a great fella) - ?
Trivia
The regular goalkeeper of ESFC is not really called Wallace.
Paul Finnerty once had a shot on target.
Allegedly, Adam Eljadi would have won goal of the season in 2006 if he'd turned up for the end of season awards, despite the fact that the goal in question wasn't even a result of an intentional shot.
Remarkably, his housemate came close to winning the award a season later in similarly ridiculous circumstance.
Lewis Marney once attended training and really enjoyed every second of it.
Robert Cope once thought about attempting to lob the goalkeeper and then thought better of it.
ESFC are unbeaten 'Jumpers for Goalposts' champions after one appearance in said competition, having smugly entered the tournament at the last minute. The occasion was all the more memorable as Paul Finnerty made his maiden appearance at training.
Departing captain Cal Lewis once cemented his reputation as a world-class sprinter by leading home a pre match warm-up.
ESFC frown upon History Society FC. This is solely because of one of their players being overly aggressive.
ESFC will usually win 4-2. Deal with it. (The exception to this was when they beat Law 5-2. Chin up, law.)
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